Another December without you

So it's December again and I feel myself emotionally shutting down. This happens every year about this time....22 years ago my step-father Terry committed suicide. In a few short days it will mark the day when my whole life changed. I was 8 when he died and for the first time I felt "normal." I loved having Terry around....he really loved me and invested in my life in ways that my own father never did. He was a stay at home dad of sorts and he enjoyed cooking and cleaning. For the first time I had someone waiting for me to get off of the bus everyday. I still smile when I think of him....I can remember stuff like the shampoo he used which was completely off limits to my sisters and I. I remember the way he used to play Nintendo until he wore out one of the controllers. But I wish I could remember more. I am sad that I can't remember the sound of his voice anymore or it is hard to picture his smile without seeing a picture of him. I sometimes feel like this little moment of grief at the first of December is all he gets from me....sure I remember him throughout the year but as the years have pasted I find myself thinking of him less and less. When he committed suicide our entire family was plunged into confusion and shock. Life is instinctively valued by all of us, even animals. Even the simplest of things like blades of grass fight for the privilege of life. When someone you love voluntarily ends their life, your entire value system is thrown into question. With so much to live for why would you choose to die? Seems pretty cut and dry to me....I DO have to much to live for but the pain someone must be in to make that irreversible decision. For the past couple of days I have been praying to a God who extends grace and forgives our sins....He sent his own Son to die so that we could make mistakes but does Jesus' ransom cover this? I pray that Terry is in heaven and that he is at peace....he obviously wasn't at peace in his earthly life. My family doesn't talk about him much anymore.....they haven't for years. I feel like I am the one who still grieves for him. His grave has no headstone and so after so many years there isn't even a marker there anymore. Hundreds of people drive by him and never know he is there. But I do....I know and God has given me a peace in my heart that let's me know that He knows to. He knows Terry and Terry is okay. Will I always miss him....yes. Will December always be a hard time....yes. But for the first time in 22 years I know that he is okay and that makes me okay too! Don't think of him as gone away-- his journey's just begun life holds so many facets this earth is only one. Just think of him as resting from the sorrows and the tears in a place of warmth and comfort where there are no days and years. Think how he must be wishing that we could know today how nothing but our sadness can really pass away. And think of him as living in the hearts of those he touched... for nothing loved is ever lost-- and he was loved so much.