You will understand.....

Nursing school is HARD and this semester has proved to be one of the hardest yet. I know, I know...."nothing good comes easy" or however you want to phrase it. I've heard this a MILLION times in my 31 years and I know that it is true. This past month has tested me to the limits......physically, mentally, academically. I have struggled and muddled my way through and for the first time ever since I started school I actually thought about quitting....taking a semester off. Truly I'm tired, sooooo very tired of studying, group projects, physical assessments, papers over topics that don't matter (at least to me) and book reports. I know I haven't had to write a book report since middle school but apparently junior level nurses have to write book reports on top of all the other junk we do. Sense the bitterness spewing out. That's where I was...last night....last weekend. I was having a pity party and working hard at convincing myself that maybe this nursing thing isn't for me after all. I went out last night about 2 AM and talked to God....I actually talked out loud to him so the neighbors might think I'm crazy but I don't care. I sat outside for 45 minutes freezing my tush off just telling God what I thought about Him and His plan. I have NEVER failed a class.....EVER! The thought of failing one depressed the heck out of me. I told him how angry I was at Him, how angry I was that He'd brought me this far in my life only to forsake me now. I've been practically begging him for months to just say something to me....just a sign to reassure me that I'm heading in the right direction......what I got was a big fat NOTHING! Now I wasn't expecting a burning bush but I was reaching and praying and praying and reaching and I wasn't feeling it...in my heart or soul. I started to doubt Him....like majorly doubt Him in ways I haven't for a long time. I was ready to toss in the towel...give in to the voices in my head holding me back. I had it out with God and I felt better. It's weird like that because I know He knows what I'm thinking, feeling, wanting to say but to actually verbalize it made it real for me somehow. I walked into the door defeated, exhausted and frozen and decided to pick up my bible. I have a bible that I don't go to often mainly because I love my teaching bible....I love that it explains things to me when I don't "get" it. Anyway the particular bible I picked up is just a normal bible with no explanations....just the word. But it does have all the things that Jesus/God said written in red ink....I love how it stands out among the other text. I haven't touched this bible in longer than I'd like to admit so I just turned to the page where I had my marker. What do you know it was John 13...Jesus is washing his disciples feet...you know the verse. My eyes scanned the page and a single verse jumped out and grabbed me by the throat and literally took my breath away. John 13:7 Jesus replied, "You do not realize now what I am doing, but later you will understand. 14 words written in red telling me to chill out. Jesus was telling me He's got this and I need to surrender to it. I cried....oh I bawled my eyes out but not because of sadness or worry but because I knew that Jesus, although silent, has been working on me all along. Those were words of comfort from a Father to his daughter as she agonizes over life and her plan....my Father picked me up and rocked me that night repeating over and over "I've got this my child." I finally went to bed and woke with a peace I can't explain. Nursing school is HARD and that won't change, taking impossible tests from a teacher who freely admits there are three right answers on all her test questions and that we must pick the "best" one...yea that won't change this semester, two clinicals a week and all the paperwork with that....that won't change either but I am armed now....armed with the love and peace that only a father can give His child. I'm armed with the knowledge that I truly don't understand the plan but that IS okay because one day I will....one day I will!