Agape

32 years ago a beautiful blue eyed, blond haired baby girl was born in Garland, Texas. 32 years has given me much to ponder about life, family, God and even my marriage. I remember many times feeling alone throughout my life....even though I was surrounded by people. I've often likened myself to a puzzle piece in the wrong box....like I would never fit anywhere no matter what I did. I've spent a lot of my life playing the "why me" card....I have cried myself to sleep a million times and until recently I've really wondered more about my eternal life verses my Earthly one. 32 isn't old by no means BUT it's got me thinking about what there is beyond this life.

I never attended church regularly as a child or young adult.....not until Brady and I started going to College Wesleyan in the spring of 2008 had I ever had a "home" church. I went to my grandpa and grandma's church several times but never felt at home there. Although I wasn't raised in a Christian household I obviously believed that there was something more to this life. When I was a small child and even into my early teenage years I was faced with many trials that quite frankly broke me down. I never felt worthy of love by anyone....especially God. He made the sun and moon, all the animals and then was able to breathe life into the first human being. Okay, so why in the world would this God ever care about little ol' me? I was a nothing...a nobody and I know there is so many more things in this world that are more important. This stance kept me from giving my life to Him. I felt betrayed by every word of His in the bible.....why/how could He let these things happen to a child who couldn't defend themselves?! With each passing year I became more tired from the feelings I kept inside of me. I grew further away from the One who saves and redeems. I found respite in Earthly things and didn't worry myself with anything Heavenly.
Trust in the Lord with all your heart; do not depend on your own understanding. Seek His will in all you do, and He will direct your paths. Proverbs 3:5-6

After years of attending College Church and immersing myself in our small group and also our Sunday school class I have learned many things. I have laid my guilt and anger at His feet a million times.....I have asked for His forgiveness time and time again....I have given my life to Him more times than I can count but one thing remains constant and that is His love for me. The bible mentions 4 distinct types of love. Agape is the highest form. Agape is pure love that is selfless, sacrificial, unconditional love. Humans are not capable of this level of love although as parents we believe we are. I've always said to my children that there is nothing you can do that will separate you from my love....NOTHING! But our heavenly Father knows more about us then we do. He had planned us from the beginning of time. He planned our birth, where we'd live, who our parents would be and He instilled in us hope and longing for our Heavenly home. Agape love is the love God showed me/us when He sent His own son to die in agony and pain. Humans are not capable of that kind of love because we live in a fallen world where sin is coming at us in every form. We get distracted, become selfish, forget about the sacrifice He made. But God sees and knows everything! He knew the sins my father would inflict upon my sister and I and He also knew the sins I'd inflict upon others. He knows my weaknesses and stumbling blocks BUT still He wanted me in Heaven bad enough that He gave His son up to save me.

All this to say I have been working through issues and also wanting a permanent reminder of the love I have available to me whenever I choose to receive it. I designed in my own handwriting a tattoo that is absolutely beautiful to me. I know tattoos aren't for everyone BUT in my case this is how I choose to remember the sacrifice....the unconditional, selfless love that is in my heart and soul. Whenever I look down at my wrist I smile because I know there is a place much better than this.....and a day I will fully realize why things have happened the way they have. There is a day when I will be able to hug Jesus and thank Him personally for the sacrifice He made on my behalf (although I think he already knows)! There will be a day with no more tears or pain....when the burdens of this world will be wiped away. Until that day comes I have a promise permanently marked for me to see!



What we suffer now is nothing compared to the glory He will give us later. Romans 8:18