Baby steps......

And here I am again.....I always get this way during this time of the year. I know it's spring.....it's (been) warm outside.....the promise of April showers bringing May flowers is true (at least in my yard!) There are a million reasons to find peace and renewal in this time of year but for me it's always a struggle. I know it's a combination of things that cause me to feel this way BUT every year I get to this place and feel powerless to stop it!
I'm learning to look at things differently now......less selfishly.....and it's HARD! I've spent the majority of my life in selfish mode....thinking about myself first. Depending on the time in my life my kids, husband, family, school you know everything besides myself has raced a close (and sometimes) distant second among my needs and wants. WOW that's hard to say and even harder to type out BUT it's true! The most important thing I've left in second is God and He's showing me ways that He's grown restless from the passenger seat. Who am I to think that I can do this on my own? Well I've been trying for about 20 years now and things aren't working out. I'm weary of my burdens....so very weary! I cannot put into words the amount of weariness I feel. The endless circle of excuses because of this burden and excuses because of that burden. I'M TIRED (and so are those who love me best)!
Honestly my life has been hard but a lot of the hard has been brought on by my inability to trust a God that has offered me His hand a trillion times. He's pursued me relentlessly some of the time and then in other times He's more stealthy....quiet but ever present and working....just undercover! It's these times of undercover that are hardest for me because honestly I have to feel/see something before I believe it! Some people can believe sight unseen but I'm not built that way. I have to know someone for A LONG TIME before I will totally trust them and then I still push them away. I don't want to be like this BUT I had resigned myself to the fact that I wouldn't feel Jesus, God or the unconditional love and grace I read and hear about until I reached Heaven. That's sad....to live a life unfulfilled like that! I know people living it now....some close to me and I know I want better. God wants better for me!

Do nothing from rivalry or conceit, but in humility count others more significant than yourselves. Philippians 2:3

But if you have bitter jealousy and selfish ambition in your hearts, do not boast and be false to the truth. This is not the wisdom that comes down from above, but is earthly, unspiritual, demonic. For where jealousy and selfish ambition exist, there will be disorder and every vile practice. James 3:14-16

But understand this, that in the last days there will come times of difficulty. For people will be lovers of self, lovers of money, proud, arrogant, abusive, disobedient to their parents, ungrateful, unholy, heartless, unappeasable, slanderous, without self-control, brutal, not loving good, treacherous, reckless, swollen with conceit, lovers of pleasure rather than lovers of God, having the appearance of godliness, but denying its power. Avoid such people. 2 Timothy 3:1-5

If I speak in the tongues of men and of angels, but have not love, I am a noisy gong or a clanging cymbal. And if I have prophetic powers, and understand all mysteries and all knowledge, and if I have all faith, so as to remove mountains, but have not love, I am nothing. If I give away all I have, and if I deliver up my body to be burned, but have not love, I gain nothing. Love is patient and kind; love does not envy or boast; it is not arrogant or rude. It does not insist on its own way; it is not irritable or resentful; ... 1 Corinthians 13:1-13

These verses are hard for me to read because they are about me. I've allowed this world to drag me down....I've been untruthful for selfish reasons.....I've put money over the happiness of my marriage and children....I've been reckless, a lover of immediate pleasure without thinking about the consequences and I've been disobedient to God. I'm human and although I'm ashamed of my actions mainly for the pain they have caused my family I know that God is forgiving and it will take a lot more than that for Him to walk away from me. Our natural instinct is to recoil in self-protection when we've been injured. We don't naturally overflow with mercy, grace and forgiveness when we've been wronged BUT God is all these things and more. A counsler told me straight up when I asked him if my life could change, he said "Not if you do it alone....only by the power of God can those around you forgive you....trust you and begin to build a foundation back that has been broken for a long time." I left the session feeling helpless and dismayed because I didn't feel that I could trust God with my feelings and I felt let down and forsaken but mostly I felt ashamed and that is a very powerful emotion that can either spur us into action or leave us curled up in a ball scared to take the steps to change. How can God love me when He's seen my heart and soul? When He's watched me sin and sin over and over and then listened to me as I cried out for forgiveness. God knows me and that can be a scary thought but it's also a comforting one. He created me and He has me right where He wants me to be. Without all that has transpired over the past couple of months I would not have been in a place to reach out to the hand of God that's been there all along. God knows I'm weak and He's been there through every tear and every smile.....He wants to take these burdens from me and I've done nothing to deserve Him. He sent Jesus preemptively knowing we wouldn't stand a chance of getting into Heaven on our own accord. He knew without that bridge we would be lost and I've been lost for far to long.
Before I can begin to forgive others I must forgive myself for the pain I've caused those in my life. I believe forgiveness is a choice we make through a decision of our will, motivated by obedience to God and his command to forgive ourselves as He has forgiven us. We forgive by faith, out of obedience. Since forgiveness goes against our nature, we must forgive by faith, whether we feel like it or not. We must trust God to do the work in us that needs to be done so that the forgiveness will be complete and real. I believe God honors our commitment to obey Him and our desire to please him when we choose to forgive. He completes the work in his time. We must continue to forgive (our job), by faith, until the work of forgiveness (the Lord's job), is done in our hearts. Most times, however, forgiveness is a slow process. Matthew 18:21-22
Then Peter came to Jesus and asked, "Lord, how many times shall I forgive my brother when he sins against me? Up to seven times?" Jesus answered, "I tell you, not seven times, but seventy-seven times.
This answer by Jesus makes it clear that forgiveness is not easy for us. It's not a one-time choice and then we automatically live in a state of forgiveness. Forgiveness may require a lifetime of forgiving, but it is important to the Lord. We must continue forgiving until the matter is settled in our heart.
The Lord does change hearts everyday and I know He's not letting me go although I've let Him go a million times. It's funny how we feel "forsaken." I say..."God where were you here or there?" Who am I to question God when He freely and without abandon sent His only son to suffer and die so that I could make one stupid decision after another. Like I said before I'm shameful of my actions but

But the Lord God helps me; therefore I have not been disgraced; therefore I have set my face like a flint, and I know that I shall not be put to shame. Isaiah 50:7


No temptation has overtaken you that is not common to man. God is faithful, and he will not let you be tempted beyond your ability, but with the temptation he will also provide the way of escape, that you may be able to endure it. 1 Corinthians 10:13

The Lord is not slow to fulfill his promise as some count slowness, but is patient toward you, not wishing that any should perish, but that all should reach repentance. 2 Peter 3:9

God is so many things but to me right now He's my safe place to fall. I'm counting on Him to turn my life around....I'm reading His word and worshiping in a church filled with people who are all seeking Him in different ways. I'm not quite to the point of pursing Him but I'm getting there. A girl I know from school passed away last week. She was an incredible woman of God and loved Him more than probably anyone I've ever known. She was in most all of my nursing classes and two of my clinicals and I talked openly with her one night about the struggles I faced. I spoke of the abuse, neglect and even the sin I brought upon myself as an adult and for once I never felt judged. She was an incredible light for Jesus even though she suffered greatly with countless health problems of her own. She was currently waiting for a kidney transplant and had already had over 13 surgeries in her 22 years on Earth. One night she held me in the break room as I wept over the death of a small child to cancer during our Pediatric clinical in Ft. Wayne. I was crying and I looked up and saw her big, beautiful smile. I was initial perplexed until I received a Facebook message from her later that night. She said that this world isn't our home and we often struggle with the burdens and sins of this world because God set it up that way...He set it us so we need Him on such a primal level that we could never do it on our own....He doesn't want us to. Our time here is fleeting and we are here to further His kingdom by the work of our hands and feet. I've never felt "at home" in this world.....feeling like I'm not doing something right but she assured me that I'm not supposed to. I was blessed to know her and I KNOW without a doubt that she's with Jesus.....I'm truly happy for her. I will leave you with a link to a song that she sent me so many nights ago and now I'm clinging to it and the promise it sends. God is working on me....really, really hard right now! My eyes are open to possibilities that I've never seen before. I feel "different" but know I have a long way to go. Of course God knows this and I know He's not leaving me, not now and not EVER!