Stop this train.....

More times than I can count.....I have secretly wished to go back into the past. Back to a time when my memory remembers a better life.....one without so many struggles. We all have times in our life when life is "easy"! Things fall into place as they should. The people who love you mean what they say. Times when your spirit feels light and free. Despite the many hard times in my life I have also been blessed with many awesome times as well.

Right now is not an awesome time......to be brutally honest life is very, very hard right now. I'm quick to pretend that life is "fine" even when it's falling apart. I'm a people pleaser by nature and it's ingrained in my DNA to "pretend" when things aren't where I want them to be. I've been doing this for most of my life....really all of my life that I can remember. Struggles set you apart from others and leave you the topic of conversation. I don't like that at ALL! I prefer to keep my name out of other's mouths by just being normal and fitting in. For this reason (among many others) I have a hard time admitting defeat.....dropping the proverbial curtain and letting people see me for what I am.

During these times of trial I feel like I'm learning so much. Just like in school.....I can attend every lecture and take notes BUT until I have a test sitting in front of me I can't really gauge how much I'm learning. I HATE tests by the way! I tend to do well on them (even when I don't study like I should)! If my professors never tested my knowledge against what their teaching then how could they ever feel comfortable passing me on? So, like I always do during the week of a test, I wring my hands and fret, stress and wear my nerves to a thread. I totally forget all that I've learned and studied and FREAK OUT! But after the test there's always a calming sensation......one of pure peace. My mind no longer racing....my nerves no longer grating on each other. See at this point there's truly nothing to worry about anymore. I either passed the test or I didn't and no amount of worry will cover either outcome.

So all this talk about a test analogy to bring us to this......I believe the struggles in life are merely tests. Obviously life's test carry much more weight than a test in a class but the analogy is all the same. If we never had storms or trials in this life how could we ever gauge our faith? If we never had to depend on God for every breath we take then why would we obey Him? If we have never been crushed by the sins of others or even our very own sins how could we ever fully appreciate God's gift to us through the death and resurrection of His Son? If we never taste the hatred and bitterness of this world than how could we ever relish in the pure happiness that we will find in Heaven?

I liken life to a speeding train......life is rushing by so fast and sometimes we see ourselves rushing headlong into a time that feels all to familiar to our tired souls. While heading into a season I don't want to experience I often find myself looking around frantically trying to figure out a way to just stop this train!!!! Looking out the window back at the sunshine and flowers and realizing that what's in front of me is dark and ugly. But during this transition you reconize that you've been here before, right?! Maybe not exactly here but close.....and a gentle voice whispers in your ear, "Stopping the train is not the answer!" All at once you realize you wouldn't stop the train if you could! God uses these incredibly hard moments of darkness to teach us things we could never learn by laying in the sun. We only know how bright the sun is because we know the scariness of night. If we never knew how cold and lonely a night could be then we would never appreciate the warm and welcoming sun! The answer isn't to run but to ride the train right through the mess......it is only in this mess when we will fully enjoy when the train pulls us into a sunny place and time.

"Be strong and courageous! Do not be afraid of them! The Lord your God will go ahead of you. He will neither fail you nor forsake you." Deuteronomy 31:6
This scripture is so uplifting to me. I feel like God is patting me on the back saying, "Sweet child of mine, I am driving this train you wish to leave. You cannot enjoy the sunshine until you have felt the rain. My victory is so much sweeter to the soul who has hungered for it.....during the darkest times when it is just you and I! Deep down you know I will never leave you....you know I am doing this because I love you enough to know that what your meant to be is bigger than this! I LOVE YOU and I never forsake the ones I love! Rest easy knowing that this will give way to sunshine in due time. In the mean time......Don't try to stop this train!"